ILI5ICAYS 



WIMGED BEAR 



KENNETH SAWYER 
■GOODMAN 




STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

EPHRAIM AND 
THE WINGED BEAR 




THE STAGE GUILD 
PLAYS & MASQUES 

By Kenneth Sawyer Goodman 
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EPHRAIM AND 
THE WINGED BEAR 

A CHRISTMAS-EVE NIGHT- 
MARE IN ONE ACT 

BY 

KENNETH SAWYER GOODMAN 




NEW YORK 

DONALD C. VAUGHAN 

MCMXIV 



Copyright iqi4 by 
Kenneth Sawyer Goodman 

All rights reserved ^^C-^^!fL\'SL 

EPHRAIM AND l^/f 
THE WINGED BEAR 

CHARACTERS 

Ephraim Bumsteeple 

Bertha, his wife 

A Maid 

Edward Sheets 

A Young Woman, from the streets 

A Young Man, in a silk hat 



Notice : Application for permis- 
sion to perform this play in the 
United States should be made to 
The Stage Guild, Railway Ex- 
change Building, Chicago; and 
application for permission to per- 
form it elsewhere should be made 
to Mr. B. Iden Payne, The Gaiety 
Theatre, Manchester, England. 
No performance of it may take 
place without consent of the 
owners of the acting rights. 



JAN 13 1915 

©C1.D 39382 



EPHRAIM AND 
THE WINGED BEAR 

Time: the present. Place: the library of MR. 
bumsteeple's house; a middle-class room, 
in a middle-class neighborhood, in a 
middle-class city, When the curtain rises, 
EPHRAIM is reluctantly handing a dime to 
THE MAID, who takes it and goes into the 
hall. EPHRAIM then turns on bertha, 
who is embroidering beside the fire-place. 
He speaks peevishly. 

EPHRAIM. Bertha, you've made me break an 
established custom. I — I won't do it again. 

BERTHA. [in a mild voice] I can't help 
feeling mean when I turn anyone away, 
Ephraim. 

EPHRAIM. [picking up his evening paper] 
You ought to feel quite the reverse. You ought 
to take pride in doing the right thing. I most 
certainly do. 

BERTHA. But is it the right thing? 

EPHRAIM. Of course it is. 

[He sits down in the most comfortable 
chair and shakes out his paper.] 

(5) 



STAGE GUILD PLAYS 



BERTHA. I'd never think of giving more than 
a dime at the door. 

EPHRAiM. And every dime you do give at 
the door probably means two glasses of beer at 
the nearest saloon. 

BERTHA. Maybe it's worse to put hatred and 
envy into a man's heart than to run the risk of 
putting a glass of beer into his stomach. 

EPHRAIM. [laying down the paper and look- 
ing at BERTHA over his glasses] Do I under- 
stand that you'd willingly contribute to de- 
pravity? 

BERTHA. I'd rather contribute to that than 
to nothing. 

EPHRAIM. To nothing? Did you say "noth- 
ing" ? Don't I put five dollars in the plate 
every Sunday? Don't I contribute to the 
missionary society? Don't I give my time to 
all sorts of committees? It's not the money 
I'm thinking of — it's the principle. 

BERTHA. But isn't Christmas Eve a time to 
forget your principles, Ephraim? 

EPHRAIM. Bertha! I'm amazed at you! 

BERTHA. I'd like to feel I was doing some- 
thing personal. 

EPHRAIM. How many times have I got to 
tell you that indiscriminate giving isn't charity 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 7 

at all. It's putting a premium on beggary. 
It's bad for the poor themselves. It doesn't do 
anybody good. 

BERTHA. It might do you good. 

EPHRAIM. I hope I'm not selfish enough to 
think of myself first. 

BERTHA. Giving ought to be a pleasure to 
you. 

EPHRAIM. It would be a pleasure to me. So 
would lots of other things be a pleasure to me. 
I dare say getting drunk might be a pleasure to 
me, but I don't even keep alcohol in the house. 

BERTHA, I can think of worse things. A 
good soak might do you good if it only made you 
a little less sure of yourself afterward. 

EPHRAIM. This is preposterous! What's 
getting into you? 

BERTHA. I was wondcring what sort of 
excuses you'd make if you turned Christ away 
from your door and then found out what you'd 
done. 

EPHRAIM. I won't be talked to like this. 
Its — it's not decent! 

BERTHA. What would you do? 

EPHRAIM. This is positively sacrilegious! 

BERTHA. I'm waiting for you to answer me. 



8 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

EPHRAIM. I dont know what I'd do. How 
do I know what I'd do? It's ridiculous! You 
might as well ask me what I'd do if I met a — a — 
winged bear in my front hall. 

BERTHA. I wish you would! I wish you'd 
meet something you couldn't argue with. 

EPHRAIM. Well, I won't — 

[the maid enters from the hall.] 

THE MAID. Oh sir! Oh Missus! Oh 
Saints have mercy on us! 

EPHRAIM. Is this any way to come into a 
room? 

THE MAID. There's — there's a Thing in the 
hall. 

EPHRAIM. Well — 

THE MAID. It came in by the front door. I 
couldn't help it, sir. Honest to God I couldn't! 

EPHRAIM. I told you to keep the chain on 
the door. 

THE MAID. I did — I did, sir. I didn't open 
the front door at all, not a crack. It came in 
through the glass. 

EPHRAIM. Nonsense! I didn't hear any- 
thing break. 

THE MAID. Oh, sir, it came in sort of oozy- 
like — like smoke. I never seen it hardly till it 
was there — a — a-pushing of me and a-breathing 
on me like it was a — a bear. 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR Q 

BERTHA. Well, Ephraim? 

EPHRAIM. The girl's out of her head. 

THE MAID, [beginning to snivel] You go 
and see for yourself if you don' t believe me. 

EPHRAIM. You're a fool! 

THE MAID. You'll See if I am, Mr. Bum- 
steeple. 

EPHRAIM. I'll see nothing at all. 

[He goes to the hall door and comes 
face to face with the Winged 
Bear.] 

THE MAID, [running to bertha and crouching 
beside her] Ow! Heaven help us, it's here! 

EPHRAIM. [to the Bear] Wha — what's the 
meaning of this? What are you doing in my 
house? If this is a masquerade trick, you can 
get out. Get out, I say, or I'll call the police. 

THE MAID. Don't touch it, sir! Don't 
leave it lay hold on you! 

EPHRAIM. Nonsense! 

[He makes a move toward the Bear 
which has advanced into the 
centre of the room. It strikes an 
attitude and ephraim falls back. 
SHEETS appears in the doorway.] 

BERTHA, [calmly] Well, Ephraim, what do 
you call it ? 



lO STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

SHEETS. [speaking from the doorway] 

Couldn't rightly say, ma'm, what you might 
call him. 

EPHRAIM. [relieved at seeing a human being] 
So there you are, are you? 

SHEETS, [his voice betraying symptoms of in- 
toxication] Right! I'm here, governor. 

EPHRAIM. If you're the proprietor of this 
animal, you can take him away. I won't have 
him here! 

SHEETS. Fm not his proprietor, governor. 
Seems more like he was mine. 

EPHRAIM. [looking at the Bear] There isn't 
such a thing! He doesn't exist! 

SHEETS, [confidentially] Exactly what I 
said to myself when I fetched up against him 
first. "Edward Sheets," I says, "he don't 
exist. Don't you believe your eyes," I says. 
"He's an hallucination,'' I says, "or a phantas- 
magoria, that's what he is — like the green bab- 
oons — " 

EPHRAIM. You're quite right. You're in no 
fit condition to trust your own eyesight. 

SHEETS. Ain't I though! Mebbe not, old 
owl, but you've seen him yourself, ain't you? 

EPHRAIM. I won't admit it. I certainly 
won't admit it. 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR I I 

BERTHA. It looks to me as if you'd have to 
admit it, Ephraim. 

SHEETS. Right you are, old dear. It's what 
we all come to. We all says to each other, 
before we come in here with him, we says — 

EPHRAIM. Who's "we"? 

SHEETS. His pals — me and the rest of 'em. 
There's a fair gang of us — 

EPHRAIM. Where? 

SHEETS. In the hall, governor. Why not? 

EPHRAIM. Who let you in? 

SHEETS, [indicating the Bear] He did. 

EPHRAIM. Well, you can all get out again 
and cart this along with you. 

SHEETS. That's easier said nor done, gov- 
ernor. We was coming around the corner 
below when the lady that's with us takes a 
fancy to a Christmas tree in a delicatessen store 
window. Does he go in and ask for it like a 
gentleman? Not him. He pushes in the whole 
front of the place and grabs it for her. Lord, 
there's no laying a finger on him. He was up 
in the air like a big bird, he was, with the tree in 
his fist like it was an umbrella. He was a block 
off when we caught up to him. That's how 
easy he is to handle. You take my tip, govern- 
or — leave him be. 

BERTHA. This is perfectly delightful! 



12 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

EPHRAIM. [turning on her] Bertha, it's 
preposterous! It's against nature! 

BERTHA. I don't care! What if it is? 

SHEETS. There now! That's spoken like an 
old sport! 

EPHRAIM. How dare you speak to Mrs. 
Bumsteeple in that way ? 

BERTHA, [to sheets] Call your friends in. 

EPHRAIM. He'll do nothing of the kind — 

SHEETS, [turning on ephraim] Who's boss 
here, I'd like to know? 

EPHRAIM. I'll show you! 

[ephraim makes for the door. The 
Bear intercepts him, strikes an 
attitude and waves him back to 
his chair, ephraim falls back 
as if pushed, sheets beckons 
to someone in the hall.] 

BERTHA. Ephraim, you ought to have better 
sense. 

SHEETS. Don't say I didn't warn you, gov- 
ernor. Just sit easy-like and no one's going to 
hurt you. 

[A young woman of obvious disrespec- 
tability enters, carrying a small 
Christmas tree. She is followed 
by a young man wearing evening 
clothes and a silk hat. He car- 
ries a large market basket.] 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR I 3 

EPHRAiM. Hurt me? Hurt me? In my own 
house, in my own library! Bertha, did you 
hear what this man said to me? Do — do you 
see what /'m seeing? 

BERTHA. I most Certainly do. 

EPHRAIM. [appealing to the young man] 
You in the silk hat — you look like a human 
being — perhaps you'll be good enough to throw 
some light on this — this extravaganza? 

THE YOUNG MAN. By Jove, you've hit it, old 
boy. Extravaganza, that's the word I've been 
hunting for. Why didn't I think of it ! 

EPHRAIM. Well, now that you have thought 
of it? 

THE YOUNG MAN. I shall hold on to it, of 
course. Ha, ha ! Extravaganza ! Ripping one 
too, isn't it? Amusing as hell! 

EPHRAIM. [flaring up] I should say it was 
just about as amusing as the place you mention. 

THE YOUNG MAN. Hold Up there! Don't 
start anything you can't finish! 

THE WOMAN. Aw, comc off! What's the 
use of getting sore at the beginning of a social 
evening ? 

EPHRAIM. Never in my life have I been sub- 
jected to anything so impossible! 

SHEETS We all know that, governor. We're 
all making allowance for you. 



14 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

EPHRAIM. I won't have allowances made for 
me! I don't need them! I don't want them! 
All I want is an explanation of — of — this mon- 
strosity. 

SHEETS. It was me seen him first, governor. 
I'd twenty cents — two dimes — panhandled it 
off a guy in a bar. Fair lit up I was, too, but I 
knowed enough not to buy with it there. I 
was outside steering for another pair of swinging 
doors when I bumps an old dame on the crossing. 
Looked like she was near froze. Well, I don't 
know what hit me but before I'd got a hand on 
myself, I give her the two dimes. Then I turns 
round to look for another touch and, bingo, I 
fetches up against this here feller — riz right up 
out of the dark, he did, like he'd come through 
the pavement. 

EPHRAIM. I don't believe a word of what 
you're saying! 

BERTHA. Weren' t you frightened, Mr. Sheets ? 

SHEETS. No, ma'm, not me. I'm that used 
to visions I don't mind 'em at all. Blue camels 
I see mostly, and them trampling on my stom- 
ach. This here's a lovin' beast alongside of 
what I'm used to. 

[The Bear begins to dance before 

EPHRAIM.] 

EPHRAIM. [trying to wave him off] I can see 
no difference between this and any other prod- 
uct of alcoholic delirium. 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR I 5 

THE YOUNG MAN. Perhaps you haven't had 
Mr. Sheets's experience? 

EPHRAIM. I wasn't talking to you, sir. 

THE WOMAN. Aw, keep your shirt on, Mr. 
Bumsteeple. 

EPHRAIM. [turning on her] That's not a 
decent way to talk to me. 

THE WOMAN, [sullenly] I can give you some 
talk that won't be as decent as that, not by half! 

BERTHA. I wish you would, my dear. 

EPHRAIM. Eh, what's that? 

BERTHA. I think it would be very good for 
him to hear it. 

EPHRAIM. Bertha, for heaven's sake — 

THE YOUNG MAN. Here, here, there's nothing 
to get in a row about — 

EPHRAIM. Isn't there? 

THE WOMAN. No — not unlcss you make it 
yourself. 

SHEETS. We was only telling you, governor. 

EPHRAIM. Well, sir, I'm listening to you. 

SHEETS, [indicating the Bear] Amiable he 
was from the start — cottoned to me right away, 
he did — "Come along of me," says he, "and 
I'll give you a run for your money — a big time," 
he says, "something to put a new heart into 
you." 



1 6 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

EPHRAiM. Do I understand you to say this — 
this monster spoke to you ? 

SHEETS. I can't say exactly that he spoke, 
but he made hisself understood. "I'm with 
you, Old Egg," says I. "Lead on," says I, 
"whatever you call yourself." 

BERTHA. And he did lead on, didn't he? 

SHEETS. More'n that, he did. Seems like 
he's onto what's up. Christmas blow-out, 
that's what he's got his heart set on. Nothing 
too good for him nor his pals. Look what he's 
fetched in his pack. Here you, trot it out for 
the governor. 

THE YOUNG MAN. [opening the basket] Four 
quarts vintage champagne, cakes, pates, roast 
goose, all sorts of good things. Regular maitre 
d' hotel — well, rather! 

[He takes out a bottle.] 

EPHRAIM. Don't you put that bottle on my 
table! 

THE WOMAN, [contemptously] My word, Mr. 
Bumsteeple, you are a first class blighter! 

EPHRAIM. Don't you speak to me, woman. 

THE YOUNG MAN. I Say, old man, you haven't 
got a gallon punchbowl about the place, have 
you? 

EPHRAIM. I have not. There isn't such a 
thing in the house. 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 1 7 

BERTHA, [pointing to a large bowl of artificial 
flowers on the library table] You can use the big 
flower- bowl. 

THE YOUNG MAN. Good thought ! 

[He takes the flowers out of the bowl 
and throws them on the floor.] 

THE WOMAN, [to BERTH a] Say, but you re 
a bit of the right stuff, you are ! 

BERTHA. Thanks! I hope I know enough 
not to spoil a good time. 

EPHRAIM. A good time? Did you say **a 
good time?^^ Bertha, this is depraved. It's 
ridiculous! You don't mean to tell me you're 
letting yourself become a party to this night- 
mare? 

BERTHA. I'm doing my best to, Ephraim. 

[the young MAN is now opening the 
bottles, one by one. The Bear 
takes them from him and pours 
the contents into the bowl. He 
then stirs the punch with a paper- 
cutter.] 

EPHRAIM. I'll soon put a stop to this outrage! 
[He makes a move toward the table.] 

SHEETS. Here now, none of that, governor ! 

THE WOMAN, [to ephraim] Wait till we've 
warmed your gizzard for you. You may sing 
different. 



1 8 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

EPHRAiM. What business is this of yours? 
What are you, anyway? 

THE WOMAN. You know damned well what I 
am. 

EPHRAIM. By the way you talk, I'd say you 
were a common, lowdown — 

SHEETS. Here, here — we'll have no hard 
names ! 

[the young man takes a dozen tin 
mugs from the basket and begins 
filling them.] 

bertha. She's a human being, Ephraim. 

EPHRAIM. I'm beginning to doubt if we're 
any of us human beings — 

BERTHA. You'll treat her with respect while 
she's in this house whatever she is. 

EPHRAIM. [to bertha] If she's such a friend 
of yours, ask her to — to — ask her why I find my 
house made into a — a beer-garden — into an 
asyulm for blithering idiots? 

THE YOUNG MAN. Here, wet your whistle 
with this! 

[He holds out a mug of punch to 
EPHRAIM. EPHRAIM hesitates, 
the Bear makes a gesture, and 
EPHRAIM drinks.] 

BERTHA, [to THE WOMAN] My dear, you 
don't want my husband to have a stroke of 
apoplexy, do you ? 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 1 9 

THE WOMAN. I'm not particular anxious 
about him one way or the other. 

BERTHA. But for my sake, try to answer his 
question. 

THE WOMAN, [reluctantly] Well, I was tak- 
ing my evening stroll, I was, and I suppose Mr. 
Bumsteeple here will be asking me what I was 
looking for — 

EPHRAIM. God forbid! I've no desire to 
know, 

[the young MAN takes plates from 
the basket and begins serving the 
food.] 

bertha. But weren't you doing anything 
else? 

the woman, [sheepishly] I was petting a dog. 

SHEETS, [tired of being left out of the conversa- 
tion] That she was — down on her knees a- pet- 
ting of him, and a-talking to him and a-loving of 
him, governor, like he was a child. 

EPHRAIM. Glad she showed some human 
feeling at any rate. 

SHEETS, [genially] That's the first word of 
kindness you've handed out, governor. Take 
another mug. [hands ephraim another mug of 
punch and a plate.] 

EPHRAIM. No, I won't. I — I — I don't ap- 
prove of this. [He takes the mug and the plate.] 



20 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

SHEETS. Yellow it was, too, and mangy 
looking. Smelt to high heaven, it did. Some- 
thing fierce ! 

THE YOUNG MAN. Whew! Well, rather! I 
ought to know. I carried it all the way here. 
I tied it to your hat-rack. 

EPHRAiM. You tied it to my hat-rack ! 

THE YOUNG MAN. I did. 

SHEETS. Throw your lip over your grog, 
governor. Things '11 begin to look brighter to 
you when you've took another pull. 

[The Bear makes a move at ephraim 
and EPHRAIM drinks.] 

THE YOUNG MAN. And what's more, I made 
a bed for it out of what I judged to be your 
winter overcoat. 

EPHRAIM. I — I'm beyond expressing my in- 
dignation. I'm beyond even expressing aston- 
ishment. 

BERTHA. That's something gained at least. 

THE WOMAN, [to BERTHAJ When I sccn the 
little brute a-shivering in the gutter I thought to 
myself, "Well, Myrtle," I thought, "here's 
something worse off than you. " I'd just picked 
it up suddenlike and was wondering what the 
hell I'd do with it, when up comes Old Clooty 
there, with what's-his-name in tow. 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 21 

SHEETS. That's US, governor, him and me. 
I wish you could have seen the hugging and the 
kissing. Fair slobbered on her, he did, like she 
was the finest lady in the world. "Look out, " 
says I, "you don't know what sort of company 
you're getting yourself into," I says. Did he 
listen to me? Not him. Nothing would do 
but she must come along of us. 

BERTHA. But weren't you frightened, my 
girl? 

THE WOMAN. Me? Frightened? Lord bless 
your soul, no! If you'd been out of nights the 
times I have, you'd know there's worse beasts 
than him — going round in taxis with silk toppers 
on their heads. Afraid of him? Why he's a 
lamb, he is. Sheets ain't so bad neither. The 
three of us was thick as thieves even before we 
met up with Mr. Thingum-a-jig. 

EPHRAIM. And who's Mr. Thingum-a-jig? 

SHEETS. Don't ask questions, governor, till 
you've inhaled another little whiff of this. 

[He holds out another mug of punch to 

EPHRAIM.] 

THE YOUNG MAN. Mr. Thingum-a-jig? She 
doubtless means me. 

EPHRAIM. [taking the mug] Well, I suppose 
there is no harm in hearing how you came to be 
mixed up in this. 

THE YOUNG MAN. Certainly. Charmed to 
enlighten you when you ask politely — 



22 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

EPHRAiM. I'd no intention of being polite. 

SHEETS. Ah, but you were, governor. 

THE WOMAN. Compared to what you was 
ten minutes ago. 

BERTHA. Please don't irritate him. 

EPHRAIM. [to THE YOUNG MAN] I'm Waiting 

for you, sir. 

THE YOUNG MAN. [in a half-dreamy voice] 
Ah, yes. Well, you see, I was sitting in a hack- 
driver's saloon, quite close to the door, at a little 
round table, with a glass of absinthe in front of 
me. I was — well, taking stock of a rather ex- 
ceptionally bountiful harvest of wild oats. 

BERTHA. But, surely, that wasn't all? 

THE YOUNG MAN. [hesitatingly] No. 

EPHRAIM. What else? 

THE YOUNG MAN. [with a sort of vague earnest- 
ness] I was thinking of my people, my mother 
and father, of the money they'd wasted on me. 
I'd made up my mind to write a letter. 

EPHRAIM. I dare say it would do you good, 
sir, to think of them oftener ! 

THE YOUNG MAN. [hard again] No, it makes 
me too damned uncomfortable. However, 
that's got nothing to do with our little party. 
I was feeling rather cut up for the moment — 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 23 

that's all — when, lo and behold, the door bursts 
open, like something in a pantomine, and in 
waltzes this — and these — 

THE WOMAN. Meaning Sheets and me. 

SHEETS. Same thing over again, governor. 
Affectionate greetings. Invitation to join our 
happy family. 

THE WOMAN. I wasn't for taking on this 
Johnnie, not me — thought I was onto his sort. 
But I must have been mistaken. Nicky took 
such a shine to him — anyhow, he joined and 
here he is. 

THE YOUNG MAN. Naturally I joined. Who 
wouldn't, under the circumstances ? Sensations, 
that's what I live for. Well, rather! Not that 
this is anything so jolly exceptional. 

EPHRAIM. Not exceptional! Did I under- 
stand you to say ''not exceptional?" 

THE YOUNG MAN. Did you cvcr try hasheesh ? 

EPHRAIM. No, but I am beginning to think 
I may sometime. 

BERTHA, [pleased] Ephraim ! 

THE YOUNG MAN. Well, until you do, you 
can't be expected to realize what a common- 
place experience you're undergoing. 

SHEETS. Oh, come now, I call this a nice 
jolly little jaunt, I do. 



24 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

THE YOUNG MAN. It scrves its purpose. It 
helps one to forget. 

[He fills a mug and drinks.] 

EPHRAiM. Young man, you seem to have 
more of a gift for narrative than Mr. Sheets. 
The point I'm trying to get at — is why the devil 
you chose my house for the scene of this bacchic 
demonstration? 

SHEETS. How should he know more'n the 
rest on us, governor ? He ain't the captain. 

THE YOUNG MAN. I'm sure I don't know at 
all. We just gathered in a few supplies as we 
came along and here we are. I thought perhaps 
we were invited. 

EPHRAIM. Invited! Invited to my house? 
I hope by this time you are fully aware that you 
were not invited — not by me at any rate. 

THE WOMAN. I Can't See that it makes any 
difference how we came here. Im satisfied 
with what I'm getting. 

SHEETS. Me, too, governor, though it's no 
credit to you, seeing 's how we furnished the 
victuals. 

THE YOUNG MAN. Well, We're here and it's 
my advice, Mr. Bumsteeple, loosen up and make 
the best of us. 

THE WOMAN. We're making the best of you, 
aren't we? Turn about's fair play. 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 25 

EPHRAiM. To think that I should have lived 
to see such a collection of human rubbish in my 
house. 

THE WOMAN. Who's "human rubbish," I'd 
like to know? 

EPHRAIM. All of you. You're not even fit 
company for — for — each other. 

SHEETS. Hold hard, governor! Mebbe his 
Nibs here knows better'n you what's good com- 
pany and what isn't. 

BERTHA. They all have the seed of human 
kindness in them at least, Ephraim. 

THE WOMAN. That's more'n I can say of 
your husband! 

BERTHA. My dear, you must try to be a 
little more charitable. 

SHEETS. [giving THE WOMAN and EPHRAIM 

each a mug of punch] Bump mugs with her, 
governor, just to show there's no hard feeling. 

THE WOMAN, /'m game to call quits if he is. 

EPHRAIM. I — I refuse. I — I refuse to de- 
grade myself! 

[The Bear makes a gesture, ephraim 
hesitates then clinks mugs with 
the woman and drinks.] 

SHEETS. There we are, fine as frog's hair, all 
settled sociable and easy-like. Say! but ain't it 
time we fixed on a toastmaster? 



26 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

THE WOMAN. If scx ain't a hindrance, I'm 
for Mrs. Bumsteeple. 

BERTHA. My dear, I'm afraid I couldn't do 
the affair justice! 

SHEETS, [putting a wreath of holly on eph- 
raim's head] What's the matter with the gov- 
ernor here? 

EPHRAiM. No, no! Wait! I must get the 
hang of this. 

THE YOUNG MAN. Try another mug, old boy. 
It may clear your brain. 

[He holds out another mug to eph- 

RAIM.] 

EPHRAIM. Eh, how's that? Thanks! [Takes 
the mug.] Confound it all! If I could only get 
this straight! I — I'm beginning to think there 
must be some answer to it. [Nods drowsily.] 

THE YOUNG MAN. And, by Jove, do you 
know, I think I can put my finger on it for you. 
What was it Mrs. Bumsteeple was saying? The 
"seed of human kindness, " that's it! [Pointing 
to the Bear] That's what he saw in us. Eh, 
what! 

THE WOMAN. But what in Gawd's name did 
he see in Mr. Bumsteeple? Answer me that, 
Mr. Smarty, if you can. 

[ephraim rouses himself with a Jerk.] 

THE MAID. Wait, the master's going to say 
something. 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 27 

EPHRAIM. I was wondering — 
BERTHA. Ephraim ! 

THE YOUNG MAN. Eh? 

THE WOMAN. [to ephraim] Spit it out if 
it'll be a comfort to you. 

EPHRAIM. [to THE WOMAN] I — I WaS Only 

wondering if that dog of yours would eat any of 
this sausage I have on my plate. 

SHEETS, [triumphantly] Ah! There, what 
did I tell you now? 

THE WOMAN. Do you mean what you're 
saying, Mr. Bumsteeple? 

THE MAID, [in astonishment] Lord bless us 
if the master hasn't got it up his nose this time 
right enough. 

THE YOUNG MAN. Hurrah! The circle's 
complete. Everybody fill up for another round. 
[He refills all the mugs on the table.] 

SHEETS. Speech! Speech, from the gov- 
ernor ! 

THE WOMAN. Let him alone, can't you, till 
he gets his legs under him. 

THE YOUNG MAN. Put the old boy on his pins. 
[ephraim struggles to his feet, sheets 
helping him.] 

THE WOMAN, [defending him] Leave him 
be! He doesn't want to say anything. 



28 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

EPHRAIM. Hold your tongue, my girl. I 
know what I'm about. 

BERTHA, [in alarm for the first time] Eph- 
raim, you're not going to make a speech? 

EPHRAIM. [half appealingly] I think I may 
be permitted to utter a few words in my own 
house. 

THE MAID. Hear ! Hear ! 

EPHRAIM. [talking thickly] Friends, I ad- 
dress you all as friends, my friends and Mrs. 
Bumsteeple's friends — 

THE YOUNG MAN. Hear ! Hear ! 

SHEETS. Right, oh! We're all friends. 

THE WOMAN. Go On ! 

BERTHA. Ephraim, do be careful of your 
legs! 

EPHRAIM. [a little more clearly] My legs be 
damned! I've come to an understanding with 
myself. It's a big thing to do that. I can't say 
quite what's got into me. 

SHEETS. Punch has gotten into you, gov- 
ernor. 

EPHRAIM. Yes, I can say that it's more than 
punch, Mr. Sheets, more than the spirit of the 
season. 

SHEETS. Blow me if I don't believe he's 
right ! 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 29 

THE WOMAN, [fo SHEETS] Shut up, Can't you? 

THE YOUNG MAN. Give him a show ! 

EPHRAIM. [gaining more clearness as he goes 
on] I asked for the answer to this riddle. You 
couldn't give it to me. All right then, I'm 
going to give it to you instead. Each one of us 
has given way to a weakness. That's what 
we've done. Something we were half ashamed 
to admit was in us. We've been afraid to let 
ourselves go. 

THE WOMAN, [almost argumentative again] 
Do / look as though fd been afraid of letting 
myself go? 

SHEETS. [to THE WOMAN] NoW who's butting 



m 



BERTHA. Wait, wait! I really think he's 
going to say it. 

EPHRAIM. With the help of God, Bertha, I 
believe I am. Look here all of you. I'm not 
talking of sins and weaknesses of the flesh. I'm 
talking of weaknesses of the spirit — weaknesses 
of the heart. 

THE WOMAN, [squirming] If this is going to 
be something like they give you at the Rescue 
Homes, I won't stand for it. 

EPHRAIM. I give you my word it isn't. 
Here's the whole thing in a nutshell. I've made 
a bogey of my own kind impulses. I was afraid 
to give way for fear of where they'd lead me. I 



30 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

tell you I made a monster of them. I was 
afraid of him. The rest of you weren't, but I 
was. Well, my friends, there he stands. [Point- 
ing to the Bear] I — I won't be afraid of him 
again. 

THE WOMAN, [relieved] Then you ain't go- 
ing to spring any reform stuff after all ? 

EPHRAIM. Eh, reform? No, my dear, noth- 
ing about reform to the rest of you. 

THE WOMAN, [almost dazed] And — and no 
wheezin' about tomorrow? 

EPHRAIM. No! No, certainly not! 

THE YOUNG MAN. And quite right you are, 
old boy. To hell with all the tomorrows! Let's 
think about tonight. 

EPHRAIM. Er — er — exactly! Give me an- 
other mug of punch. 

[the young MAN gives him another 
mug of punch.] 

THE YOUNG MAN. By Jove, I'll give you a 
toast. 

SHEETS. Hear ! Hear ! 

THE YOUNG MAN. Here's to Mr. Ephraim 
Bumsteeple ! 

EVERYONE. Hear! Hear! 

BERTHA, [lifting her mug] Here's to Eph- 
raim and the Winged Bear! 



EPHRAIM AND THE WINGED BEAR 3 I 

THE WOMAN. Come on ! 

[She rises and takes sheets by one 
hand and bertha by the other.] 

sheets. Right oh ! A dance ! 

the YOUNG MAN. A dance ! 

[He takes the maid by one hand and 
sheets by the other. The Bear 
takes EPHRAIM by the shoulders 
and dances with him. The 
others circle round them, eph- 
RAiM begins singing " Round and 
Round the Mulberry Bu^/i" and 
the others join in.] 

CURTAIN 



This first edition of ephraim and the wingi 
BEAR, printed from type by The LancasU 
Printing Company, Lancaster, Pennsyi 
vania, in December, igi4,for donald 
VAUGHAN, New York, consists of one thou- 
sand and fifty copies on laid paper. 



.Irl^f^f^RY OF 




